Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.