Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.