Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi