Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
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[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
what does he know…
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist