Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom