You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“OMGJK” -atheists
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber