Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
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*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.