If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them