Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
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A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
What my back needs
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating