Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Go girl power!
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.