Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
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I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.