The Wolf of Wall Street.
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.