If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.