I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.