“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.