“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card