Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
meanwhile over on facebook
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*