“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
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If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once