da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
john wicks are toilet candles
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.