I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
You Might Also Like
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didnât have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
me, speaking to my daughterâs class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
IT: So you were hacked? Whatâs your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sisterâs toys.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, youâre probably going to die.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” đ
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
16: âWhy do you drink wine every night?â
Me: âThey say a couple glasses is good for your heart.â
16: âIs that why youâre using two glasses?â
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir thatâs the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
âI do law stuffâ – attorney general
âI serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Governmentâ
– attorney specific
âAge is an issue of mind over matter. If you donât mind, it doesnât matter.â
– Mark Twain
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.