Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
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God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
LOL
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.