No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head