Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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The three genders
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Good point.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.