[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
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Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”