Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in