“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
He took my last fry, your honor
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Coffee for people with no kids
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
classic mixup
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls