wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣