Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
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Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
this is uni
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.