Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Called it
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.