“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
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Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
welcome back
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.