The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.