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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
the icebreaker
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE