We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
the greatest twitter interaction
even bears disappoint their mothers
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone