Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.