[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
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*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.