Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME