Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol