Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
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Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.