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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Does it…does it take 3 days
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven