Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?