He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.