I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
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friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.