Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.