Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.