The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
That’s what I call a flat tire
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.