Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
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[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Sponch
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark