People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.