I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.