17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
#SuperBowl
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”