I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
The smoothest fall of all time
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year